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Craig's Musings

Midlife Buffoonery

It’s happened. I’ve gone from kidding myself that I am still relatively young to being that middle-aged bloke who is somewhat of a buffoon.

I’ve noticed it for a while, probably many years after other people, of course, but the incidences are stacking up now, and it’s becoming hard to ignore.

It’s embarrassing. Partly because one of my guilty pleasures is watching older people fall over on You’ve Been Framed. They seem to do it so much slower than younger people (especially the women for some reason), which adds to the comedy value of course. But, if someone were to follow me around these days with a camera phone, this time next year, Rodney, we’d be miwwionaires.

Yesterday was the highlight to date. I was in a busy bar watching football, on a row of cinema-style seating. Being 50 years old, I needed my 10th wee of the match (middle of the first half). As I stood up, the group of lads on the table behind me shouted ‘sid-down’. I turned to look at them to tell them I was just going for a wee when I noticed something amusing. Of course, without thinking, I pointed, laughed, and shouted back, “Haha, look at you lot, you’ve all got the same haircut”.

Of course, it was on my walk to the toilet, as I was celebrating myself for being so funny, that it suddenly dawned on me that there was a good possibility they could be following me to kick the shit out of me. Another ‘dick’ move on my part, but I was going to learn my lesson very soon.

As I came back into the bar a few minutes later, slyly checking out the table with my new friends, I lifted my foot to get on the step for my row of seats without paying much attention. That’s when it happened. I didn’t raise my old-man leg high enough and stumbled. Not only did I topple over, but you’ve guessed it, it was at half speed.

Luckily I was in a packed bar. You would have thought someone had scored with the cheer that went up, especially from the boy band on the table behind me.

Now, I had a dilemma. Firstly I was considering staying lying down as I was so embarrassed. Then, because I am carrying far too much weight and have a dodgy shoulder at the moment, let’s just say I didn’t look very graceful when I eventually got up.

Was that another goal, I hear?

Today, the day after, I went for my 50th year NHS health test. (Not sure my planning was very good there.) Anyway, I was so dehydrated from yesterday the nurse struggled to find a vein to do my blood test and my urine sample looked like orange juice. I was also told that I’ve got to the stage now where I qualify for free diet classes with the NHS. Woo hoo!

I really need to grow the fuck up.


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